“The Quarterback Sneak” Starring the NCAA, Cam and Cecil Newton

Consistency isn’t a bad thing in sports. Ask Kyle Brtozman.

Much as I catch myself rolling my eyes every time I see an NCAA commercial filled with bright smiling young faces playing the cello and performing neurosurgery while dribbling a soccer ball, I have to admit the NCAA’s task is an unenviable one.  But the inconsistency with which the NCAA consistently tackles its toughest decisions leaves its oversight of college athletics looking like Ben Wallace shooting a free throw.

Every college football fan with a pulse saw Cam Newton single-handedly carve up South Carolina Saturday before last, securing Auburn’s seventh SEC championship and a birth in the “Bowl Championship Series” title game (though I wonder if TCU feels like it’s taking part in the same “Championship Series”).  And every college football fan with a pulse saw just what they expected this Saturday: Newton mugging in a new suit, giving a conciliatory bro hug to Andrew Luck, Kellen Moore and LaMichael James in front of an applauding crowd in downtown New York.

Yes, this is the same Cam Newton whose father, according to the NCAA’s official findings released last week, solicited $180,000 from Mississippi State in a “pay to play” scheme as virtually every major program fought tooth and nail to recruit his son from Blinn Junior College.  And yes, the same Cam Newton was deemed by the NCAA to be an eligible amateur collegiate athlete, giving Auburn the green light to play him for the rest of the season. Makes sense, right?  Just don’t ask Reggie Bush. Or Jeremy Bloom.  Or any six year-old capable of reading the preceding three sentences.

Sideline Slander Welcomes a New Author

Check back later today for a post from one of our new authors AES!

Cam Newton: Master of Sexual Innuendo?

So I was watching the SEC Championship game, where Auburn’s Cam Newton pretty much asserted his manhood for 60 minutes all over the South Carolina defense. Yes, Cam locked up the Heisman with a virtuoso performance (335 yards passing, 4 pass TDs, 2 rush TDs), but as you can tell by the heading of this post, I’m not here to write about that.

I’m here to talk about what happened at the end of the game.

That’s right, the Cammy Cam Juice incident.

Quick question: If I were to tell you that after 60 minutes of putting in work, the star quarterback would squirt his “juice” in the mouth of a relatively attractive white female, what would you call that? I bet your answers fall into 1 of 2 categories: a) a weak-plotted pornography (which is kind of redundant) or b) Saturday night on Auburn’s campus.

I know what you might be thinking, “but shoot1st, he’s just an innocent college kid having some fun with a Gatorade mixture and a sideline reporter, there’s no innuendo there!”. C’MON SON!

Watch the video again, this time, don’t pay attention to Cam Newton. Look at the GROWN MEN standing next to Cam (not to mention the equipment manager right next to the reporter). You can’t tell me that they’re laughing like that just because a sideline reporter is drinking an orange and lemon-lime mixture of Gatorade. Grown men don’t laugh at stuff like that. Trust me, I know.

Now the subliminal wordplay. Cam told the sideline reporter that it was the “ingredients of champions”, like, oh I don’t know, DNA? And, tell me, where do you find DNA? That’s right folks, in sperm.  We just witnessed the “money shot”.

So to summarize, Cam puts in work for 60 minutes, then squirts his “juice” in a woman’s mouth, then laughs like crazy with other grown men. Ummm, yeah, Cam Newton’s innuendo game is sick!

P.S. Tracy Wolfson (the sideline reporter), you need to get some better people around you. I’ll be damned if my friends, acquaintances, or coworkers let me put myself out there like that on national TV.

All-Mid Major BCS Championship, Are You Ready?

We are more than 8 weeks into the college football season and, following consecutive weeks in which the #1 ranked team has taken an L, I can only be sure of 2 things right now: Boise State will go undefeated and TCU will go undefeated. What does this mean? To tell you the truth, I don’t know, but here’s what it could mean, this year’s championship game could be a rematch of last year’s Fiesta Bowl. However, in order for that to happen, some of the currently undefeated big-boys would have to lose. Below are the most current standings and how much of a chance I think each has of making it through their schedule undefeated. For the sake of this exercise, let’s assume that relatively high ranking 1 loss teams (I’m looking at you Alabama & Ohio State) would not make the cut.

RK	TEAM	RECORD	Comments	Chance of ending the season undefeated
1	Oklahoma	6-0	Surprisingly easy schedule, only ranked teams left are Oklahoma State and Missouri, but they better not take their foot off the gas	60%
2	Oregon	6-0	Can’t say I truly believe yet, but their offense is explosive, as evidenced by that 60 they just dropped on UCLA, their D leaves much to be desired, but with tough games against USC, Arizona, and Oregon State, anything can happen	50%
3	Boise State	6-0	When your remaining schedule looks like this: Louisiana Tech, Hawaii, Fresno State, Idaho, Nevada, and Utah State, you can pretty much rest up Kellen Moore & the rest of your starters for the bowl game. Your “signature win” was over a team that lost to a James Madison team that couldn’t run the table in division 1AA. Not your fault, but still tough luck.	110%
4	Auburn	7-0	LSU and Alabama are still on your schedule. I do not believe.	15%
5	TCU	7-0	See Boise State, with the exception of #9 Utah (who, despite their ranking doesn’t stand a chance by the way)	99.9%
6	LSU	7-0	Double checked to see if Les Miles was still the coach. Sorry Tiger fans	NO CHANCE!
7	Michigan State	7-0	Looking at their schedule and the only tough games left are Iowa and Penn State. I remain thoroughly unconvinced when I watch this team play, but they really have a shot to pull it off.	65%
8	Alabama	6-1	Can’t win ’em all	–
9	Utah	6-0	TCU is on your schedule. Your 0 has got to go	0
10	Ohio State	6-1	Your haphazard play in Madison last Saturday got every single University of Wisconsin football player laid. Also, there were a lot of drunk people, but hey, it’s college, so these things might have happened anyways.	0
11	Missouri	6-0	Definitely didn’t know that they were undefeated. Oklahoma on the schedule this week, boys. We live in a self-correcting universe.	-5%
12	Stanford	5-1	Play a little D on Oregon and just maybe you wouldn’t find yourself in this situation	–
13	Wisconsin	6-1	They just won their super bowl	–
14	Oklahoma State	6-0	4 ranked teams left on the schedule, not a good look	10%

Based on these highly scientific results above, we could be looking at the battle of the mid-majors. So you see, boys and girls, great competition looks nice on paper, but it won’t get you that championship ring. Enjoy the games this weekend.

Les Miles, The Most Unpopular Man in Sports

Do you know this man? What if I told you that over his 5 year coaching career at LSU he holds a career record of 57-15 with 1 national championship (in 2007)? Let’s also say that he happens to have a 6-0 record this season. Sounds pretty good, right?

What if I also told you that the fact that his team is undefeated this season might be the one thing keeping him from cashing paychecks at your local unemployment office? You see, despite the evidence presented above, this man cannot coach.

You see we often think that people who rise to the top of their professions to become rich, famous, and rich are the best at what they do or some sort of genius beyond our comprehension. Well Les is here to tell you that you too, Mr. Janitor can become famous beyond your wildest dreams.

How? That I’m not sure of, although my guess would be incriminating pictures of the AD or some sort of shared bloodline with Jesus.

Exhibit 1:

This past weekend against Florida – Calls for a fake field goal where the holder flips it over his shoulder to the kicker, the ball bounced (almost leading to an illegal forward pass), the kicker catches it on the bounce and outruns about 5 UF players for the first down, leading to a (you guessed it) a game winning-touchdown pass with 6 seconds left.

Exhibit 2:

Bringing Others Down to Your Level – At the goal line, clock winding down, he decides to mass sub his players leading to confusion and a botched snap, but wait, he caused so much confusion that Tennessee’s coach had too many players on the field, leading to a do-over and, you guessed it, a touchdown.

The Only Blemish – Down 2 late to Ole Miss at the 6 yard line, Les calls for his QB to spike the ball, ending the game.

Glad it Worked – Down 2, in field goal position, Les decides to throw to the end zone in a play that, if the receiver had not caught it, would’ve resulted in the game being over and Les being fired on the spot.

All I know is I’d take this guy to Vegas with me…

Related Articles

• Lucky Les? Maybe, but Miles keeps on winning (washingtonpost.com)
• VIDEO: The Fake Field Goal Flip That Added To Les Miles’ Mad Genius Reputation (sbnation.com)
• LSU’s Les Miles Get’s Last Laugh, Tigers Get Big Win Against Florida Gators (bleacherreport.com)

Big Weekend in College Football

After weeks of padding their stats against some of the weakest, most disgraceful teams known to man, some of the big boys of college football have finally come out to play.

First up, it’s Stanford (9) vs. Oregon (4) in a match-up of two big-time Pac 10 programs. Last year, Stanford got the better of Oregon in a high-scoring shootout 51-42, and there’s no reason not to expect more of the same this year. Stanford has one of the best QBs in the country in Andrew Luck and Jim Harbaugh coached teams always bring the physicality. It will be a little different for Stanford without all-everything back Toby Gerhart, but with 11 TDs and just 2 INTs, Luck looks like he’s up for the challenge.

Oh and by the way, Stanford also boasts The most Interesting Player in the country in Owen Marecic. Last week, as a 2-way starter (at FB and LB) against the artist formerly known as Notre Dame he scored a touchdown on 2 consecutive plays from scrimmage on a TD run and an INT return within 13 seconds of each other.

For Oregon, it’s all about speed, speed, and more speed. They want to get it to their little, shifty running backs in space  and let them go. They definitely have the advantage in speed, but Stanford will continue to try to impose and their will and physicality on Oregon right from the opening kickoff.

It’s gonna be a close one, but you have to give Oregon a slight edge because of their overall team speed, revenge factor, and the fact that they’ll be playing this game at home at the house that Phil Knight built.

Not to be overlooked this weekend is a match-up between 2 perennial national championship contenders and SEC rivals in Florida (7) and Alabama (1). While Alabama won the ‘chip last year and made Tim Tebow (also known as Jesus in some parts of Florida cry), Florida took it home the year before that.

Both schools are undergoing some changes and neither is as clear of a national title favorite as they have been in the past. Florida is breaking in a new quarterback and center in John Brantley and the other Pouncey, and so far, the results haven’t been too great, they’ve had trouble putting away Miami (of Ohio) and the University of South Florida and don’t look like the UF we’ve been used to seeing.

Alabama on the other hand, or maybe the same hand, is lucky to still be undefeated going in to this game. They were down 17 to Arkansas late in the second half before Arkansas’ potential Heisman Trophy candidate, QB Ryan Mallett, after looking every bit the part of a Heisman winner through the first 3 quarters, simply changed his mind about winning and threw 2 quick picks to give Alabama the lead and, subsequently, to help them seal the victory. I’m no NCAA compliance expert, but he must’ve had money on them losing. It’ll be interesting to see how this one turns out. Stay tuned.

Here’s what the rest of the AP top 25 is doing this week.

RK	TEAM	W-L	POINTS	PREV	NEXT	Comment
1	Alabama (57)	4-0	1496	1	Florida
2	Ohio State (2)	4-0	1431	2	Illinois	Playing a Ron Zook coached team that barely escaped with a win vs.Northern Illinois last week. Rest your starters, guys.
3	Boise State (1)	3-0	1356	3	New Mexico State	NM State poses no threat
4	Oregon	4-0	1276	5	Stanford
5	TCU	4-0	1269	4	Colorado State	CSU, thanks for playing
6	Nebraska	4-0	1158	6	Kansas State	Take your girl out to a nice dinner, don’t waste your time with this
7	Florida	4-0	1132	9	Alabama
8	Oklahoma	4-0	1095	8	Texas	No national title implications this time around, but it’s always exciting when these 2 get together
9	Stanford	4-0	895	16	Oregon
10	Auburn	4-0	863	17	Louisiana-Monroe	Might want to catch up on some chores
11	Wisconsin	4-0	854	11	Michigan State	The return of the ballsiest coach in the business to the sidelines after a mild heart attack. Don’t believe me?
12	LSU	4-0	805	15	Tennessee
13	Utah	4-0	792	13	Iowa State	If your’e flipping channels and this game comes on, keep going
14	Arizona	4-0	724	14	Oregon State
15	Arkansas	3-1	716	10	Texas A&M
16	Miami (FL)	2-1	598	19	Clemson	The battle for ACC relevancy. If the U takes the L, better luck next year, ACC fans
17	Iowa	3-1	505	18	Penn State	A game only a Big Ten fan can love. Should be a 9-6 type of game
18	USC	4-0	467	20	Washington	USC hasn’t looked too good this year, but I’m pretty sure me, you, and 9 of our friends could beat Washington right now
19	Michigan	4-0	398	21	Indiana	Michigan’s QB, Denard “Shoelace” Robinson is as exciting a runner as they come, but I want to know who told this dude that it’s ok to play sports with your shoes untied.
20	South Carolina	3-1	397	12	BYE
21	Texas	3-1	364	7	Oklahoma
22	Penn State	3-1	197	23	Iowa
23	North Carolina State	4-0	166	33	Virginia Tech	How the mighty have fallen. VA Tech was once a top-10 championship contender, before they lost to 1-AA James Madison
24	Michigan State	4-0	149	25	Wisconsin
25	Nevada	4-0	123	27	UNLV	I couldn’t tell you much about either of these teams, but I do know that this game will be taking place in Nevada